Run It Out

Ahh...today I finally had a chance to get back outside and run Lake Zorinsky. As I've mentioned many times before, this was the place of my many runs prior to becoming preggo and early on in my pregnancy. I love running outside and for some reason Lake Zorinsky has been my place - I love running along the water, into the trees, up the hills...it's relaxing. Today was more about taking the time to work my body out and needing some uninterrupted time to think.

Can I be very honest without being judged?

Most of that time was spent thinking about little man. We had his physical therapy appointment earlier today. And while everything {for the most part} was good - he got a thumbs up for his range of motion and how we're handling his exercises - after a long talk with Katie {our PT} she said we would need to go to the cranial remolding office to get a scan on his head next week because he is highly likely to need a cranial remolding helmet.

Our big boy at his appointment

Ok...so that's not so bad, right?

While being outside running gave me a chance to unwind, it also gave me a chance to fill my head with unnecessary thoughts. I had done so well up until the halfway point...and then I lost it. Tears started filling my eyes and my throat got very tight. It was hard to continue running. I'm so sad that our little guy has to go through this...

I know, I know...it could be so much worse and we are so thankful to have a healthy, happy baby boy {so, so very fortunate}. I honestly get that and feel so ashamed worrying about this so much because overall he is in good health and is developing physically.  But it breaks my heart thinking that he will have to go through this. I hate thinking that his small, little head will be confined inside a helmet for 23 hours a day. Not only that but his little neck will have that much more weight to bear when trying to hold his head up. It breaks my heart....And it's only four months, right? But four months...he hasn't even been in our lives four months and yet it feels like forever...I can only imagine how this will feel.

Bottom line, we will do whatever it takes to ensure he's fully developed and to avoid any potential risks as it relates to how he develops down the road. And I don't care if he has to be "the little guy wearing the helmet" to help form him correctly. Fortunately, we've caught this early enough and have been able to work with him for the past month and a half....and we will continue doing what is needed to get him better.

Remember, I asked you not to judge me for worrying so much about this and I'm just using this space as a place to vent and worry and be upset....but all I can say is that parenting is so hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done....ever. I hate being this person who worries all the time. And this is only 3 1/2 months in. I can only imagine how much more difficult it gets as they get older and are put into even more difficult situations.